Tag Archives: parenting

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How Do You Know When You’re Grown Up?

As the mother of five daughters, I have had no greater joy than watching my girls grow up into remarkable women. Sure I miss watching them take their first wobbly steps, struggling to master the pedals on a bicycle, and assembling shadow boxes for a 5th grade history project. But watching them grow up and leaving those childhoods behind has been my greatest joy.

Three weeks ago today, Madeline’s (23 year, old daughter #4) boyfriend Shawn was hit by a car while riding his bicycle. It was a hit-and-run accident and he has no memory of it until he woke up in the ambulance. His hip was badly fractured. He had minor spine fractures, numerous cuts and scrapes and a terrible road rash on his hip and leg that was about two feet long.  After being hospitalized following major surgery he came to our home to recover.

While Shawn was in the hospital, Madeline never left his side. She was able to be there non-stop. Her current state of unemployment turned out to be a huge blessing.

I have a friend who is a stage-four cancer survivor. She spent a lot of time in the hospital receiving treatments and even a got a stem-cell transplant. I remember her saying, “Never leave anyone in the hospital alone. Someone needs to stay with the patient, spending not just the days but especially the nights as an advocate for him or her.” I’ve never forgotten that and have made sure to follow that advice whenever anyone I love has had to stay in the hospital. Madeline learned to carry that torch.

Shawn’s time in the emergency room and as a hospital patient was really hard. Madeline, at his side, had to help him make sense out of the accident and all the tests being performed on him. Missing meals and precious sleep, she helped him deal with incredible pain and assisted him to perform the most menial, everyday tasks. She was as strong as steel during that time.

After he was moved to our house, her determined, unwavering care continued. I have watched her, with utter admiration, as she strategically helped him in and out of bed, adjusted pillows, steadied the walker, handed crutches, changed bandages, dispensed medications—you name it. She did it. Without complaining. It has been hard. Really hard.

What makes this even more admirable is the fact that she has her own health challenges. She was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease when she was fourteen years old. Physical strength and stamina have always been a challenge for her. As her mom, I have tended to not push her beyond what I thought she could handle. I think I’ve short-changed her.

This situation has called out strength, wisdom and selflessness which I have never had the opportunity to see in her before.

She has truly grown up.

Being grown up is not about reaching a certain age and being able to call yourself an adult.

Being grown up is about doing the hard stuff. It’s about finding joy and gratitude in the midst of horrible circumstances. It’s about not feeling “entitled” to your way or your comfort. It’s also about taking initiative, not waiting to be asked. And, not resenting when you are asked to do something. Being grown up is about loving.

Being grown up is not about you.

Question: What else does being grown up look like? 

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Wait To Worry: Procrastination at Its Best

Don’t ask me how I got this way, but I just don’t struggle with worry. I know it’s a gift and I am eternally grateful for it. I don’t struggle with fear. My mind doesn’t immediately run to the “worst case scenario.”

Maybe it’s because my folks weren’t big worriers. I grew up in a family with a lot of love and a lot of security. (What a gift to give to your kids!) My folks had a great trust-relationship with God and they with each other. I just didn’t learn to worry.

Whenever there was real cause to worry, the worst-case rarely came to pass. In fact, I’m not sure it ever really did. Not the WORST case.

Sadly, there are people in my life for whom worry is their besetting sin—is it a sin? You may struggle with this.

I wish I could take it away for you. Worry is so destructive. It creates all kinds of problems. It wreaks havoc on our health causing headaches, skin rashes, back pain, digestive disorders, insomnia, dental problems, high blood pressure, just to name a few. It also effects relationships, makes people fearful, anxious, and irritable. It effects one’s ability to trust.

As a mom, when my girls go to a place of worry, I do the only thing I know to do. Since I can’t take it from them, I encourage them to “wait to worry.” Just postpone it. This is procrastination at its best.

“Wait to worry” has become one of my own mother’s modus operandi. The implied message is, “You may have very good reason to worry. The worst-case may indeed come to pass. But … not today. Just wait to worry. There’s plenty of time for that. But not right now. Just wait to worry.”

“But Mom, what if I don’t get that job?”
—Wait to worry.
“Mom, what if we can’t pay our electric bill?”
—Wait to worry.
“What if her fever doesn’t go away?”
—Wait to worry.
“What if this medicine doesn’t work?”
“What if he doesn’t ever call me again?”
“What if she won’t listen to me?”
“What if …”
“What if …”

Wait to worry.

Worry tomorrow, but not today.

Question: Have you ever been glad you waited to worry?

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A Mother’s Modus Operandi: “Bloom Where You Are Planted.”

Potted flowers Bloom where you are planted“Bloom Where You Are Planted.” This one phrase encapsulates the philosophy by which my mother lived. She and my dad moved 28 times during their 61 years of marriage—and I’m talking different cities, different states, different countries. My oldest brother, bore the brunt of it. I remember him telling me that he went to four different high schools.

Somewhere, early on, she adopted this modus operandi. As soon—and I mean THE VERY DAY the truck unloaded—as soon as the doors to the new house opened, boxes were unpacked, beds were made, pictures quickly hung in their spots and a roast would be in the oven. I kid you not. Next up, her mission was to meet the neighbors, find a church, a bridge club and a garden club to join. Goal: Get planted. Then bloom.

Somewhere, early on, I adopted this modus operandi. And I didn’t even realize it.

A mother’s words and a mother’s modus operandi are very powerful. I attribute my love for adventure, my ease in making new friends, and my flexibility to my mother. She passed this invaluable approach to life on to me, her only daughter. I miss her.

I’m a mother, too. And I am the mother of a daughter. To be exact I am the mother to FIVE daughters. You heard that right. FIVE. No boys in the bunch. And I had no sisters. Only four brothers. (I learned how to throw a mean football, but couldn’t lace together a bow for the life of me. God has a sense of humor to be sure.) My girls are all adults now. What have I passed on to them?

A mother’s words and a mother’s modus operandi are very powerful. They are passed down whether we acknowledge it or not. We’re doing it all the time. My mom passed on other lessons to me as as well—both in word and in deed. Here are a few more:

Let’s cross that bridge when we get to it. (Don’t worry)
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. (Don’t give up)
Don’t cry over spilt milk (Keep things in perspective)
If the shoe fits, wear it. (If it applies, accept the truth)
You made your bed, now sleep in it. (Take responsibility)
Make hay while the sun shines. (Do it now)
A watched pot never boils (Be patient)

You’ve, no doubt heard these yourself and seen someone model them. They date my mom, don’t they? I’m sure you have a list of your own, from your own parentals.

Now the question becomes, “What are the quippy little proverbs and phrases that my girls will quote after I’m gone?” Just asking that question causes a flood of phrases to enter my mind. I want to capture them. I want to write them down, wrap them up and give to my girls to “take home,”  to put in their treasure chests of memories. I want to be intentional about this. I want to replace the negative and destructive ones, they’ve no doubt picked up over the years, with ones that ring of real wisdom and are worthy to be passed on to their kids. … In the next several posts, I’m going to do exactly that.

QUESTION: What are the quippy little proverbs and phrases that your kids, or grandkids, nieces or nephews, students, or other children in your life, will quote after you’re gone?