Tag Archives: gratitude

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Best Things: One Question That Can Make Any Day a Great Day

Marissa, our youngest daughter, was home for the weekend. She’d been at college for over a year and occasionally came home on weekends to see high school friends, do laundry, and sometimes even hang out with Mom and Dad.

On one of those weekends, we managed to coax her to stay for a leisurely Sunday dinner and catch us up on all the latest events in her life. While the food was being dished onto the plates, she blurted out, “Let’s do Best Things! I’ve been missing it like crazy! Dad, you go first. What was your best thing?”

One of our long-time family traditions is called “Best Things.” Over the years, we found that by engaging the family in this little five-step practice, we could do more to affect our kid’s—and our own— outlook on life than just about anything else.

We usually did it at the dinner table and often several times a week. It’s a simple practice and apparently one the kids loved—even if they seemed to resist it at the time.

By asking everybody at the table one simple question, the emotional climate of the day could be completely turned into one of optimism and gratitude. It’s the fastest way I know of to ensure that anybody can have a great day.

Here’s how it works:

  • Step 1: Set the ground rules.

    • Everyone will have a turn being asked one question.
    • The respondent may only answer the specific question being asked.
    • The question my not be altered.
    • There will be one conversation happening at the table.
    • One person speaks, all the others listen.

  • Step 2: Ask the question of the first person.

    Then move around the table asking each one the question:
    “What was the best thing about your day?”
    Or, “What was the best thing that happened to you today?”

  • Step 3: Don’t accept “Nothing” as an answer.

    You’ll probably find that “Nothing” becomes the default answer. The response will invariably go like this, “Nothing good happened today. But, let me tell you about ‘X’. It was awful!”

    When this comes up say, “Oops. Remember, we’ve got to follow the rules. Of all the things that happened today, what was the BEST thing?”

  • Step 4: Persist until you get an answer.

    Know this; we human beings like to wallow in our misery. We like to complain and we like to get sympathy. So, it can be really hard for us to admit that something good actually happened. And there will be days when it truly seems that nothing good happened.

    If you get to a dead end with someone at the table, pull out the secret weapon. Say, “I know, it sounds like you had a pretty lousy day. BUT, if you HAD to find one thing that was best, what would it be?”

    You’re likely to still get resistance. Just keep sounding like a broken record. “I know. I know. But if you HAD to pick out one thing, what would it be?” Or, you can ask, “If you DID have a Best Thing, what would it be?”

    Gently persist. Trust me. It works.

    If you ask this with a bit of humor, the person will usually give in and come up with something. Everyone usually has a good laugh when the person thinks and thinks and FINALLY comes up with the one thing.

  • Step 5: Probe a little deeper.

    Once a “Best Thing” is identified, ask a follow-up question: “What was it about ‘X’ that was so good?” The idea here is to focus more tightly. It’s one of my beliefs that you usually get more of what you focus on. So, let’s be intentional about where we direct our focus.

As parents, we have a window of years when we can dramatically influence our children. Developing a family tradition, like playing “Best Things,” can be one of the most enduring and positive ways we can teach them to experience life.

Even though our children are grown and out of the house, we’ll notice that at birthday dinners, or other family get-togethers, someone will invariably start the table conversation with, “What was your Best Thing today?” It really gets fun when guests are at the table and they have to be asked, “I know, but if you DID have a Best Thing, what would it be?”

And, I have to smile when I catch Michael or myself asking the other this question with no one else around except us. It’s an amazingly powerful question.

As a side note, I’ve also been proudly told by my married daughters, that they are carrying on the tradition with their own kids. What more reward can a parent hope for?

So, give it a try at your house. Let me know how it works out.

Go make it a great day!

P.S. I want to add one more thing. Take a minute and scroll down through the comments until you get to the one left by Marc Ensign. Read what he says. He talks about a similar practice called “Highs and Lows.” I love it. In fact, I might like it better than Best Thing alone. It’s a great lead-up to it. What do you think?

Question: What was your best thing today?

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Music I Love: Lux Aeterna by Morten Lauridsen

Sunday night. I think it’s my favorite night of the week. Last night Michael and I were sitting in the library. He was working away on his forthcoming book, Platform. He was in the zone. I was catching up on email, blog posts, Facebook, etc. No real agenda. Just reflecting on the past week and planning for the one in front of me.

I love Sunday nights. It’s like a reboot. “Old things are passed away. Behold all things become new.” A brand new week awaits. A week to laugh, to cry, to grow and learn. A week to live.

The past week had been one full of challenges. For example, Jonah, my new grandson from Uganda, had a tuberculosis scare following a battery of medical tests he had after coming to the United States. All turned out well, but it was quite scary for a while. Especially considering the fact that his mom, my daughter Megan, is on medications which suppress her immune system.

The biggest challenge of all came when we got the devastating news that Madeline’s boyfriend was hit by a car while riding his bicycle. A hit and run, no less. (Don’t get me started.) He has no memory of anything. He just found himself waking up in an ambulance. He’s now recuperating at our home following major hip surgery and is still dealing with a lot of pain, but … he’s ALIVE. Thank you, Lord.

As Michael and I sat with our computers last night, I was overwhelmed with thankfulness. My heart was full. I found myself pausing every now and then, closing my eyes, breathing slowly and deeply. Basking in the nearness of God.

As you might suspect, there was music in the background.

Yesterday evening’s soundtrack was Morten Lauridsen’s Lux Aeterna (translated Eternal Light). Part of the reason I felt particularly thankful was due to this music. Each time I listen to it, it transports my mind and my heart to a place of light. A place of Supreme love. A place of gratitude. Often it brings me to tears.

Below is a sample from this album. You will want to hear the whole piece, but here are parts III and IV, O NATA LUX and VENI, SANCTE SPIRITUS. (Part IV begins at 4:48)

Close your eyes and listen. For the next seven minutes see if you have a similar reaction.

You can go to this site to read the lyrics with their translation from Latin. (You can follow parts III and IV.)

As you listen, may your heart soar to a higher, more grateful place.

(You can find the entire album HERE.)

Question: What music sends your heart to a place of gratitude?

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Nothing Is Wasted: The Story Of Tsi

What drives you to do what you do? Where do your passions come from? What situations have you endured that have become a part of “your story” and have been redeemed to help others? We all have them. As Richard Rohr has said, “Nothing is wasted.” That is certainly true of Tsi, a fourteen-year-old girl we met on our third day in Ethiopia. World Vision wanted us to meet her because she has an inspirational story of survival and rescue, and also because they wanted us to see, first hand, what World Vision is doing to save lives.

Tsi, a beautiful teenager, (not unlike one of my own five daughters) is being raised by her mother and grandmother. Her father tragically died several years ago. When he died, the little girl begged her grandmother, “Please don’t give me to somebody else. Please don’t arrange a marriage for me.” The grandmother told Tsi, “Please be strong. Attend school. Do your best. Although your father is not alive, I will protect you.” This was her solemn promise.

A year ago, when Tsi was 13, she left home at 7 a.m. to walk to school. She had an hour walk ahead of her. While on the journey, five armed gunmen caught her, pulled her to the ground, beat her terribly, tore her clothes, threw away her shoes and raped her.

She screamed, but no one came to her rescue. The men forced her to travel two eight-hour days, barefoot, through rocky, dangerous desert ground. They took her to a narrow mud hut, and locked her inside. She was held prisoner there for forty days and nights, unable to see daylight. The leader would feed her a piece of Enjera (Ethiopian-style bread) a day through a window. He and his friends would visit her at night to rape her. She lost all hope of ever being set free and seeing her family again.

Si's 56-year old grandmother. One of the strongest women I've known.

Si's 56-year old grandmother. She never gave up. She kept her promise to always protect the daughter of her beloved son.

The morning of the abduction one of Tsi’s friends came running to the grandmother’s house yelling, “They’ve taken Tsi. They’ve taken Tsi.” The grandmother heard these cries, fell to the ground and shouted, “No! No! This cannot be!”

She pulled herself up and immediately started walking to Tsi’s school. Her worst fears were confirmed. Tsi was not at the school. From there, seeking help from the only ones who could help her, she walked several more hours to the World Vision office in the capitol city of Addis Ababa. World Vision immediately broke into action. The police were contacted and an innovative plan was devised. The main perpetrator’s parents were put in jail hoping to draw out the man for capture.

While the plan was being carried out, Elders from Tsi’s village paid a visit to the World Vision office. They threatened the World Vision staff and warned them to cease all prosecution attempts. “Leave us alone. Stay out of our business. This is our tradition. This is how a man may get a wife.” The members of the World Vision staff were shocked. “What if this was your daughter who was being treated so shamefully and so violently. You would not want this happen to your daughter.”

They replied, “It is our way. We would not stop it.” The World Vision staff, though very frightened by the threats, did not back down. They relentlessly continued working with the police and the court system to see that this man was captured and brought to justice.

He soon got word that his parents were in jail and came up with a plan of his own. He forced Tsi to sign a paper stating that she had gone with him of her own free will and wanted to marry him. He then proceeded to take her to his parent’s house—another two days traveling on foot.

Upon their arrival at the parent’s house, the police arrested the man, put him in jail, and released the parents. Finally, the man was convicted and was given the maximum sentence of fifteen years in jail.

On that hot afternoon, sitting under the shade of an acacia tree in the front yard of Tsi’s grandmother’s house, we heard this story. In fact, we heard three versions of it. One from Esatu, the World Vision staff person who helped Tsi’s family through the entire ordeal, one from the grandmother’s and finally Tsi’s own account of her terrifying forty days. We were all brought to tears as the details unfolded.

Jenna Lucado prays for Si and tells her that she is loved beyond measure by God.

Jenna Lucado prays for Tsi and tells her that she is loved beyond measure by God.

After Tsi finished her story, Jenna Lucado asked how she was doing now and whether she had any dreams for her future. “So many people are harmed by these traditional practices,” she said. “I want to be an advocate for the rights of women and children. I want to be an attorney. [Remember, she's only 14!] The most important thing to me now is my education.”  This is making beauty of ashes. This is redemption.

World Vision also worked with Tsi’s school to ensure that she passed the seventh grade, even though she missed so many school days. They were able to convince the school to use her excellent mid-term grades for her final grades. This was no small feat since the schools in Ethiopia are very strict. She is currently a straight-A student in the eighth grade.

None of this would have been possible except for the fact that Tsi was a World Vision sponsored child. Without WV as her advocate, Tsi’s grandmother would have had no where to turn. She would have been powerless. With no living father or grandfather, there would have been no hope for justice. World Vision was there to demonstrate practically the love of Christ to the hopeless, powerless and fatherless.

I repeat my questions: What drives you to do what you do? Where do your passions come from? What situations have you endured that have become, or could become, a part of “your story”? What, in your life can be redeemed in order to spread the love of God to others? May Tsi and her grandmother be an inspiration to all of us.

Remember: Nothing is wasted.

(This story is remembered to the best of my ability from notes I took. Please forgive me if any facts are incorrect.)

The telling of the story of Tsi. (Esatu, man on the right, is the World Vision friend & advocate of Tsi. He's also translating.

The telling of the story of Tsi. (Esatu, man on the right, is the World Vision friend & advocate of Tsi. He's also translating.

Si's grandmother invites us into her hut for coffee.

Tsi's grandmother invites us into her hut for coffee.

Serving one coffee is the ultimate expression of hospitality in Ethiopia.

Serving one coffee is the ultimate expression of hospitality in Ethiopia.

Everyone is seated on benches around the wall of Tsi's hut. (The coffee was really good!)

Everyone is seated on benches around the wall of Tsi's hut. (The coffee was really good!)

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Take A Deep Breath (My thoughts on Andy Andrews’ The Noticer)

the-noticer-book3Today is the official release of Andy Andrews’ new book, The Noticer. Even though I’m not “officially” reviewing the book on my blog, I could not let this day go by without saying something about it.

I received a review copy of the book back in January and was asked to give some feedback before it went to press. After I read it Mike asked me what I thought. Before I could begin my critique, he said, “Better yet, let me ask you this question: Can you think of five people, right now, that you would want to give this book to?” Without one second of hesitation I said, “Absolutely.” That’s all he needed to hear.

I have indeed given the book to five people. Well, I can actually think of twelve people I’ve already given the book to—before it was even released. (There are some perks to being married to the CEO of the publishing company.) The first person I gave this book to was my friend Phil (not his real name). When Mike and I met Phil we immediately liked him. But we could tell that he had just come through some pretty rough waters. We came to find out that Phil had recently gone through a heartbreaking and painful divorce and to top it off also found himself in the midst of a failed business. We met him as a 52 years old man, lonely, unemployed and totally defeated, someone who had no hope for anything better in his future. He was lost and paralyzed about what to do next.

One morning I emailed him the following excerpt from The Noticer:

Take a deep breath. … People who can breathe … they are alive.

If you’re breathing, you are still alive. If you are alive, then you are still here, physically on this planet. If you are still here, then you have not completed what you were put on the earth to do. If you have not completed what you were put on earth to do . . . that means your very purpose has not yet been fulfilled. If your purpose has not yet been fulfilled, then the most important part of your life has not yet been lived. And if the most important part of your life has not yet been lived . . . if the most important part of your life is ahead of you, then, even during the worst times, one can be assured that there is more laughter ahead, more success to be look forward to, more children to teach and help, more friends to touch and influence.

There is proof of hope . . . for more.

~ Andy Andrews (The Noticer pg 83-85)

I followed up by sending him a copy of the book. Several days later I began to get emails from him.

The first email came in response to my question, “Are you liking The Noticer?” His response to me was, I love it! ‘Taking it to the games tomorrow to share with my friends there. … I’m smiling.

A couple of days later he wrote:

I am really just starting to believe… It is a matter of my perspective. I have had a wrong perspective for so long and I am excited about my future. Right now… Things are financially about as low as they can go; but everything else is so much better! Thanks to you and Michael for your gift of kindness. And really, I just don’t know how to say it, but I am feeling better. I have a long way to go… But I am looking forward to my journey like never before. I hope this is not temporary or fleeting thing.

When I saw him later that week, it was obvious that a deep, inner transformation was taking place. His circumstances hadn’t changed but his perspective of them was definitely changing and I could see it right on his face! The eyes don’t lie.

A few days later he jotted off this quick note to me: I just realized I am suffering from self-pity. That’s great! I was able to recognize it for what it is and that made me smile and feel better! This perspective stuff works!

And last night this little nugget showed up in my inbox: ‘Middle of  pg 133 just hit me right between the eyes. Thanks for being God’s delivery vehicle!

Upon finishing the book Phil shared these words: One thing I did know before reading The Noticer is that I needed help with the subject of perspective. So with my mechanical pencil in hand, I picked up the book and started my own conversation with Jones [the main character in the story]—God, incarnate for me. I needed to see my life from a different point of view. God’s point of view.” Phil is gaining a heart of wisdom. (Psalm 90:12)

Phil is really like you and me. “All people—all lives—are either in a crisis, coming out of a crisis, or headed for a crisis.” (The Noticer pg 31, 83). What we need, to make it through a crisis, is hope and perspective. Phil said to me, last night, “No matter how bad the choices and decisions (note I did not say mistakes) I have made in my life thus far, the good news is that it is from here that the best part of my life is designed to start.” That is a different perspective. That is hope.

This book will, make a difference in your life. I’m convinced of it. And it will make a difference in the lives of your friends. After you read it, ask yourself the question: Can I think of five people, right now, whom I’d like to give the book to?” I guarantee you will come up with at least five names. You’ll want to pass it on, to someone like Phil—like you and me.

For those of us in the midst of a relationship crisis, financial crisis, health crisis, or any kind of crisis, who need to begin rebuilding our lives, remember these words from Andy, “Rebuild with a grateful heart. You may have lost a house, but you did not lose your home. Remember, you are still breathing . . .”  (The Noticer pg 95).

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Hope, It’s Next Best To Excitement

boy-fishing

I love collecting quotes. Most are from famous people like Abraham Lincoln, Helen Keller or Leo Tolstoy.

Occasionally I’m able to capture a priceless quote from someone I know. Such is the case with the following quote by an 8 year old boy, Austin Andrews. Austin is the son of my friends, author and speaker Andy Andrews, and his wife Polly. 

The Andrews live on the coast of the Gulf of Mexico. Fishing is one of their favorite pastimes. One day, while fishing with his dad, Austin said: 
 

“The reason I like to fish is because when everything is calm and quiet, your whole self is full of hoping. And whether you catch anything or not, you still get to hope. It’s a great feeling isn’t it? Hope, I mean. It’s next best to excitement.”  

Is your “whole self full of hoping?” What would have to happen in order to make this kind of hope possible for you?

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A Super-Human Husband?

Superman logoIt started about 3:00pm yesterday with the ring of the doorbell. Peering through the glass front door, stood a man holding a glass container, protecting a stunning, twelve-blossomed, golden orchid; the base of which relaxed among a nest of submerged river rock. The card simply said, “Will you be my Valentine? Mike.”

After 30 years of marriage we’ve come a long way from the box of chocolate covered cherries, purchased at the eleventh hour from the Walgreens down the street.

The second installment of my Valentine’s Day gift surprised me this morning right before Mike and I left to meet up with our running group. I knew Mike was getting ready to post a blog. I just didn’t know that it would be about me. A blog post? About me? Wow! For all the world to see. I know I’m blessed. It’s very humbling.
 

In his post, Mike lists ten things he loves about me. (I especially love #10 “And, finally—let’s be honest—she is really, really, cute.”) I know for each thing he loves about me he could list five things that drive him up the wall. But he chose to leave those off. Whew.

This morning, one of my blog-readers suggested that, “It would be fun if you commented, on your blog, about some of the things your husband posts about. For example, you could do a follow up post on how we can make our husbands feel superhuman.” (#8 “She makes me feel super-human. To the degree that I have experienced any success, it is largely because Gail has been my constant cheerleader and my biggest fan.”) I’d like to give it a try.

Just as I cannot fathom the challenges of being a single parent, I cannot begin to appreciate the pressures a man faces when trying to protect and provide for the needs of an entire family. After Mike and I started our family, I stopped working outside the home. He has been the sole bread-winner ever since.

Early on I asked myself what will be my unique contribution? How can I balance this out? Lots of things came to mind, but THE most important thing I chose to cultivate was a heart of appreciation and the practice of encouragement. It’s proven to be the best gift I could possibly give to Mike and to my family as well.

Here are a four of the ways I flesh this out:

  1. I think it begins with a recognition and a respect for the pressures Mike faces every day. He carries a very heavy burden, day-in and day-out. 24/7. It never leaves him. He carries this burden because it’s his “duty,” but most of all because he loves us. I make a point to verbalize that “I get it.” His sacrifices don’t go unnoticed.
     
  2. Secondly, I realize that I’m not entitled to any particular way of life, or life at all for that matter. Every day is a gift from my Father above. Nothing is to be taken for granted. The extent to which I enjoy security and comfort in this temporal life, I owe to a husband who faithfully shows up for life everyday. He works hard, perseveres through difficulties, and constantly seeks to learn and grow all along the way. He needs to know that I appreciate his faithfulness. All day long I notice things to thank him for—big and little. And then I follow through by actually saying, “Thank you so much for taking the trash out.” “Thanks for checking in with me today.” “Thanks for going to work today.”
     
  3. Mike has to do some very difficult things in his job. Being the CEO of the world’s largest Christian Publisher is hard. He has to make decisions and take actions which are scary. So much of what he does is uncharted territory for him. He’s not sure he actually has what it takes to do it right. There are risks involved. It’s important for someone who knows him better than he may know himself to weigh in. He needs to hear, “You can totally do this!” “Let’s talk about it. What’s the worse that can happen?” “If you loose your job and we have to live in a cardboard box, I’m with you.” “We can make it. You’ve got what it takes. Go for it.”
     
  4. Finally, I choose to focus on what I love about Mike. The Lord knows that he’s not perfect. No one is. But if I keep trying to change him and make it my responsibility to help him “improve,” we’d be divorced by now. Instead of asking questions like, “Why can’t he ever do…?” or “Why doesn’t he …?” — which only leads to negative answers such as, “Because he’s selfish,” or “Because he’s so critical.” I instead choose to focus on what I love about him. “Why do I love him so much?” (What a great question! Try to answer that one.) “Why does he keep going to work for me day after day?” Those kinds of questions are very powerful, leading to answers which only fuel love.

So there you have it. My Valentine’s Day gift to him. A post. About him—well sort of. I love Mike today because he remembered me on Valentine’s Day. And for all the years when he didn’t remember me, I loved him then too. He’s super-human in my book.

 

Ahhh, those were the days.

Ahhh, those were the days.